Over the years I’ve worked with countless couples married 10, 15 and 20 years who tell me they feel distant.  They don’t communicate or no longer have anything in common.  I always feel sad when I hear this because with a little coaching early in the marriage their relationship never needed to take a backseat to raising a family and building a career.

DATE NIGHTS are an investment in your relationship!

When you want to be good at something you invest time, energy, and sometimes money.

If you want to become good at golf or playing the piano you spend time learning the skill and then practicing it.

If you want to have a great garden you water and feed your plants. Without this nurturing the plant will wither and die.

A committed, on the calendar time, at least once a month, preferably twice a month, says you are invested in your relationship and your partner matters!

3 Cardinal Rules for Date Night

#1 Do NOT Talk about Parenting, Finances, or other Problems!

Those topics are for your Business Meetings not for Date Night.  (I recommend couples have a business meeting to handle budgeting, tasks associated with shared parenting, household chores, schedules, etc. These meetings might need to be held weekly to stay on top of things.  BUT not on date nights!)

#2 Reminisce about the good times!

The best possible way to nurture your relationship is to make eye contact, remember and talk about why you married in the first place.  Spend some time remembering your time together pre-married.  What did you talk about then?  What were some of your favorite dates?  What did you enjoy about each other?  What hobbies or activities did you enjoy together?  Research supports: sharing positive memories rekindles the feelings associated with the memories.

#3 Date Nights are for refreshing your RELATIONSHIP!

This is your chance to relax, rekindle, and renew your relationship.  When we feel connected, romance becomes a natural by-product of feeling close to each other.  Keep date nights for these purposes and you will stay positively connected a lot longer.

Bonus: Your Kids (AND Friends!) Are Watching

Keep in mind your children(AND friends) are watching.  Even if they complain about having a sitter, you are showing them how much your spouse/partner matters to you.  The couples I’ve seen who quickly work through issues that brought them to counseling have had positive relational role models growing up and need only a little tweaking.  Date nights are good for your kids and they refresh you for the times you spend with them.

Patti Bitter, MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist in St. Louis, MO.  You can read more about her practice @ www.tapestrycounseling.com

Relationships are like plants.  Food, water and light (attention, communication and affection) are vital if we expect to have a healthy relationship.  Not feeding, watering or providing light is a sure way for your relationships to dry up.

It Takes Work to Create and Keep a Healthy Relationship

After some time in therapy a husband remarked to me, “I never realized how much effort you needed to put forth to make a relationship work.”  He went on to describe his previous notions of how marriages evolved.  “First you date, then you fall in love, get married, and start a family.” He went to work, and provided for his family but somehow his wife was less and less happy.  Double digits into the marriage she threatened divorce.  He was shocked.

It’s Starts With YOU

There is a scene in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes that perfectly illustrates the lack of effort by a husband.  He comes home from work, grabs a beer and plops in the chair to watch TV while his wife brings him dinner.  He thanks her without any eye contact and is perfectly content with the evening.  She walks away upset.

My client realized he’d been doing the same thing.  When coached on the necessity of nurturing your relationship, and how to nurture it, he happily reported that his relationship had much improved.  Divorce was off the table.

He learned to express his appreciation for his spouse and her contributions – verbally and with behaviors.  He pitched in around the house rather than expecting her to carry that load.  He had conversations about finances and kids and chores rather than losing his patience and ordering his family’s activities.

Notice his wife was not involved in counseling.  He needed a safe place to vent and learn about healthy relationship skills.  He had a strong desire to improve his marriage and a willingness to change what he could change – his own behavior

I see wives who’ve taken husbands for granted as well.  Appreciation for a husband’s contributions, acknowledgement of their efforts and affection go a long way toward nurturing a relationship.

A Quick Healthy Relationship Tip

So, if you want a more healthy relationship, do what this man did.  Ask your spouse.  What is s/he missing?  What do they need that they are NOT getting?  Then commit to giving them what they need, and watch that wilted relationship become lush and vibrant once again.

Want to Learn More?

Want to learn more about how to create and maintain a healthy relationship?  Check out other articles in my blog dealing with how to improve communication and build and maintain a healthy relationship.

Need Help?

If you have trouble communicating without blaming or getting defensive, or you simply look at each other without a clue how to reconnect – seek help – sooner rather than later!  I can help.  Schedule a complimentary phone session, and we’ll discuss your situation.  Together, we’ll determine if counseling can help.